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WHAT WE [REALLY] LEARNED FROM OUR EXES

By SZ STAFF

. In AMO

 

Saturday night, while hopeless romantics everywhere were making plans with their drug dealers, Ariana Grande premiered a name-dropping breakup song. In hopes of making Pete Davidson choke on his lines, she released the track minutes before SNL went live! (Pete did end up getting into trouble that night-coincidence? Hmmmm *flips pony*)

 

What she did wasn’t surprising; both parties have been obsessed with dragging each other ever since the split. A couple things weren’t expected, however: 1. the song is a bop2. with a “positive” message!

 

Long gone are the days of women blaming themselves or their ex boyfriends for breakups. (Or not really blaming anyone but just like…wallowing in the type of self-pity that makes any girl cry at any club on any Saturday, whether she’s on her meds or not). In 2018 we are an evolved human race. Ariana has understood, as a pessimistic nihilistic defeatist, the only way for humans to truly reach their potential is to accept their deaths alone.

 

In the song (which she penned during a 25 minute break between a gym session and another gym session) she “thanks” her exes for teaching her…things…and helping her realize that ultimately, masturbation wins. She loves HERSELF now, get it? Yes, we do. And how!!!

 

Girls everywhere are getting inspired by this nue-soft-revenge technique. Someone I follow on Twitter said the song inspired her to call up her ex and thank him for cheating! Nice.

 

We at STAI ZITTA were also inspired. So inspired that we asked our online bffs what their exes taught them. Not so smash-worthy but definitely eye-opening!!!

 

What Our Exes Taught Us: 

 

 

 

 

 

Cool! So, kids. Keep fucking, falling in love and “learning” lessons as if life is something meaningful and not just a nightmarish conspiracy we’ve fallen into after the evolutionary mutation of consciousness  <3 <3 <3