. In COOLTURA
Look, I get it:
You don’t want to be a “bad feminist” but you also don’t want to have a “bad time”!
Have you forgotten that being a feminist MEANS having a bad time-at all times?
I know what you’re thinking:
What the fuck are you talking about, bitch?
Um, helloooo! The Women’s March is this weekend! Worldwide!!!
Did you “conveniently” forget?
So now that I told you…will you go?
If you haven’t decided, perhaps you can ask yourself a few questions:
1) Do Marches change anything?
2) Do protests change anything?
3) Can you, as an individual, raise awareness for the feminist cause?
4) Can you, as an individual, “make a difference” in the world?
5) Is there any hope for the future?
6) Will Lady Gaga’s Vegas residency be any good?
The correct answer to all the above is a big, fat: “NO!” If you answered accordingly, that means you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and therefore are 100% needed at the march. Do you realize how many optimistic assholes will be there? We need more of us to bring them down to earth!
So, last question: Should you participate on the Women’s March? Yes!
What are we marching against this time? Who knows, who cares! Pick a topic:
THINGS FOR WOMEN TO MARCH AGAINST IN 2018
1) THINX “Period Proof” panties ads invading your feeds (and your nightmares)
2) The backlash against the #metoo movement
3) The backlash against Glossier
4) Two of your friends being cast to walk the Vetements show (instead of you)
5) Violence against women (in movies)
6) Violence against women (in literature)
7) Violence against women (in religion)
8) Violence against women (in art)
9) Violence against women (in your bed)
10) Violence against women (in your head)
11) That dude at the gym who hits on you while you’re on the Stairmaster
12) Sexual Harassment in the workplace
13) Stolen home-made sandwiches you worked REALLY HARD ON in the workplace
14) Your friends who willingly have babies
15) Your friends who accidentally had babies but ended up “loving” them anyway
16) The hormones from your birth control pills
17) The hormones from your bootleg collagen supplements
18) The fact that you spend half your income on makeup
19) The fact that half your income is a quarter of the income that fucking Francesco gets and he doesn’t even have to buy makeup! (Though he should)
20) Your relatives who ask when you’ll have babies
21) That other guy at the gym who hits on you while on the treadmill
22) Kylie Jenner’s disappearance from social media
23) The fact that Kim and Kanye named their kid “Chicago”
24) That other other guy at the gym who hits on you while lifting weights
25) Discovering that sushi does, in fact, have calories (what???)
So, we’ve decided you have to go. Does that mean you want to? No. Does that mean you’ll enjoy it? Definitely no! Does that mean you can’t find a silver lining? No! In fact, I’ve compiled some tricks and tips and inspo for you below:
HOW TO TRY TO ENJOY THE WOMEN’S MARCH 2018
Sit it out: Each city will have their own march schedule or map or whatever but most likely it will end up around a McDonald’s. So just find the biggest McDonald’s in your city, get yourself some fries and a shake and wait for all those bitches to show up. When the crowd comes, go outside, take a look, let it in and feel empowered! Then, go inside to freshen up in the bathroom. Wait in the bathroom for a few hours until the speeches are over. Buy some more fries and another shake because you’re hungry again. Maybe buy a salad, too. McDonald’s has good salads. Eat those in the bathroom. Wait until the restaurant is closed and go home. YAY!
Get inspired: Watch a bunch of runway videos and figure out what your ~walk~ will be! This isn’t a march, honey, it’s a strut! Are you a Naomi? A Gisele? A Virginia Woolf?
Reunion alert!: You haven’t hung out with Celine or Sidney in YEARS. One got so successful that it feels like a personal attack against you. The other is so unsuccessful (she’s pregnant again lol) that it’s hard to watch. Kill the two birds with one stone and take them for a stroll! Can you IMAGINE how many girls there will be to make fun of at this thing? We all know nothing brings friends together like some good, old-fashioned shit talking. For the cause, of course!!
Show off: It’s nice to contribute something to the social media world other than your dumb, filtered face! Can you believe that MEN on social media are better at doing makeup than you? Can’t they let us keep ANYTHING?? Ok, USE that anger, channel it, pose, get some sign-holding bitches in behind you and take that selfie! Show you care about something other than Jeff. Honestly, you’re pathetic. Jeff doesn’t even think about you, ever. Though he does watch your Instagram stories all the time…so maybe he’s still obsessed with you? Probably he’s just making fun of you with his new girlfriend. Who knows! This one will show him, though! You’re your own goddamn woman! You believe in some important thing!!! Ok, but seriously, that Instagram algorythm always pushes him to the top of the viewers of your stories so it MUST mean he loves you, right?
Sweat it Out: If you didn’t stand outside of Palazzo Parigi Hotel all day to catch Lady Gaga leaving her room to play her concert on the 18th, why should you spend the same time and energy to be outside all day and NOT see Lady Gaga in real life? When’s the last time you did any physical activity other than pushing through a crowd at an open bar party to get yourself four vodka Redbulls at a time (so you don’t have to push through line again in half an hour)? I won’t even let you say that “sex” is a physical activity of yours because we all know you just lay there, bitch!!! So like, throw on those leggings you bought back when GlamLeisure was a thing and sweat it out with your sisters. You may even feel good about yourself for like, a single second! Can you IMAGINE?
Anyway! I’d say, “SEE YOU AT THE MARCH” but I’m not going lol!
I’ll (conveniently) be in Croatia, where women only march to the bar to forget about their problems the right way.
So. I’ll see you at the next Women’s March, on March 8th!