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Everyone knows Kylie Jenner gave birth to a baby gurl on Super Bowl weekend which is the smartest media apocalypse Kris Jenner has organized to date! Congrats, you evil mastermind bitch!



Everyone knew Kylie was hiding a pregnancy this whole time –and yet– we were all totally shocked to see that she was actually pregnant this whole time!!! Just goes to show we’re a bunch of suckers. Who knew we’d fall for the iconography of an internationally celebrated, ultra-modern, internet-famous “Sex Figure” wishing to ~preserve~ her pregnancy the “old-fashioned” way!


The only personal “feeling” I will share about all this is that I’m super relieved that Kylie wasn’t Kim’s surrogate after all because that would have been weird for reasons I’m not equipped to articulate, probably because I went to fashion school.




Anyway, enough praise! I have a bunch of negative stuff to say now.


First of all, this home movie is trash. And I regularly watch re-runs of cartoons while hanging upside-down from my sofa with my head touching the ground. So…


Also: I think Kylie is setting unrealistic standards for hiding pregnancies!!!



There Are Many Reasons to Hide a Pregnancy:


Guilt: You know the world is ending and you’re contributing to that. There’s LITERALLY NOTHING worse for the environment and the animals in the environment (including you, dumbass) than adding another sick, stupid human to it.


Assthetics: You’re gonna be fugly as fuck for the duration of the pregnancy and most of the time after your pregnancy. Welcome to repeating “I want my old body back” in the mirror while doing squats, as your baby rolls around on a yoga mat behind you, totally unaware of the ironic fact that you hated your “old body” so much that you let it get cummed in by a guy who is definitely 250% dumber than you in the first place.


Denial: If you can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. I had pet hamsters for YEARS who were pooping in the corners of my bedroom when I’d let them roam freely (which I did daily, because I’m a good hamster parent). I only ever noticed the piles of dried pellet poo when I moved away! My mom was like, “OMG, you were breathing in poo fumes this whole time!” And I was like, “What do you mean, mom? None of these tiny, adorable poops were even here until you moved my bed and dresser and Backstreet Boys poster?!” So, I get it: if you trick everyone else into thinking you aren’t incubating a monster maybe you can trick yourself into thinking the same thing!



Rich girls like Kylie can hide a pregnancy easily: by lounging in their gated villas, taking private jets to private islands, threatening the lives of the families of dozens of employees who accidentally saw them changing so they swear to never speak again-about anything. Also, rich girls can afford to wear Comme Des Garcon and that shit makes anyone look 9 months in.


But, what about the poor girls? What can THEY do to keep the paparazzi (aka their religious parents or creepy neighbors or pervy teachers) away from the truth???


How to Hide a Pregnancy (For Poor Girls):


Fat Chick Trick: (As mentioned in my tweet above). Millions of girls around the world have done this in school. The plan is pretty low-budget, you just need a big hoodie (the one your BF left at your place when escaping out of your bedroom window after you told him The News) and a handful of potato chips or cookies at all times. Pro: Eat your pain Con: You can’t ever wash that hoodie because you have to wear it every day so you’ll smell your EX’s Old Spice on you at all times, making the comfort food taste rotten


Disco Stick: Moms love arts & crafts! Cover your bump in hundreds of tiny silver mirrors and disguise yourself as a big disco ball! Pro: Party while you still can Con: You can’t drink LOL



Desk Jockey: Take an office job where you’re seated behind a desk all day! Actually, any positions which only reveal part of your body are great, like drive-thru windows or glory holes. Pro: Make that sweet diaper money Con: Have to work while preggo


Po-Po-Litical Wooooman: Become politically active! Speak predominantly about women’s issues and racism and classism within the feminist community and VOILA: you’ll become magically INVISIBLE!!!

Pro: Become smarter and empowered Con: Lose all girlfriends :,(


Anyway if you’re poor nobody cares what happens to you so I guess it isn’t worth the effort


PS: Wanna be one step ahead of Kylie? Do us all a favor and hide your actual baby as well!